Wow – where do I begin…
When I knew that God was going to bless me with “speed” for Noah’s passing, I started making a plan. There was only one problem… I had NO, NO, NO IDEA of what to tell Lulu. What will I tell her that will not devastate this amazing spirit? This child that is madly in love with her brother? This was one of the biggest fears that I had; I was pretty terrified.
So, I prayed. It was really crazy…from the Tuesday at Disney before Noah went home, until he did the next, I was given complete and direct orders on what to do. Not a loud booming voice, echoing from above…but I would go to sleep and wake up with exactly what I was supposed to do.
Well, with Lulu, I was lost. What do I tell this baby girl? But, like I said…I was told.
“Make Landin a summer calendar.” So, I did… at midnight, Sunday night, got on the computer and signed her up for theater camps, VBS, SeaWorld Camp… everything! The theater camps were even Mulan and Little Mermaid… here favorites! (As you know, we don’t plan…ever… because we couldn’t.) I printed it out, stapled it and went back to bed.
Monday morning, I woke up and my overnight, God voice put in my head exactly what I was to say. Dennis and I got this calendar, sat down with Lu and I said “Guess what baby girl, this is the summer that you get to do all of the things you have always wanted to do… acting classes, Vacation Bible School, SeaWorld camp…everything – you are old enough now!!” She looked at the calendar and burst into tears thanking us! Then she ran into my room to tell Noah.
“Noah, Noah…I get to do singing and acting!!!! You get to see me on STAGE!!!! Before the play, I’m going to stick my head out from behind the curtain and wave to you!!! I love you so much and you will be so proud of me!!!!!! She was talking a million miles an hour, still having tears of joy. Noah was asleep, morphine assisted. I said “Lan, come talk to Dad and I for a minute.”
We went to the couch. I took a breath and said “My love, Noah is so proud and excited for you, but I don’t think he will be able to come to see you.” She paused. I said “Do you think Noah can come see you with him feeling so bad?” She of course said no. I said “Well, there is one way that he can and there is only one person that can heal him.” She said “Jesus.” I said yes. I then said “But, there is one catch… Noah needs to go Heaven and see Jesus to be healed and Lan…he really wants to be healed.” She then started crying and asking “Who is going to take care of me? Who is going to make me laugh? Who is going to be my brother????” I said “Noah will! And he will now be able to be at your play, cheering you on – “Go Lulu Go… You rock Landin!!!! You are Awesome!!!!! Bravo!!!!!” She laughed and said “That’s exactly what he would say!” She then looked at a shelf in our living room and took down a picture of Noah kissing her head. Totally composed, she said “This is my favorite picture. We were so happy and he really loves me mom!” She took the picture, crawled off of the couch and said “I just need a minute… I’m going to pray.” Dennis and I looked at each other as we watched her get on her little knees.” I said “we will pray with you.” In Landin style, she said “Ok, but keep it to yourself please…I am praying in my heart and in my head.” She sat quietly on the ground, little lips moving with the picture in front of her. Then she stood up and said “Now, let’s clear all the nonsense off of my dresser… Mom, I have a lot nonsense…and walk around the house collecting memories of me and Noah.” That is what we did for the next hour.
Praise and THANK YOU GOD!!! What a miracle!!!!
After that, she would go into my room, check on Noah and give him a kiss. We would talk to her when she would ask questions. She is amazing!! She has been a part of the last 3 years, seeing everything under the sun…him sick, blood, tubes, clinic …everything. When he passed, she came in and this is what she said. “So, is this the last time I will see this…shell…Noah is Heaven?” (She used the word “shell” - from the mouth of babes!) I said Yes, baby girl. She said “Where do you take it?” I said “We will take it to a Holy place.” She said ok… but before, I need to sing to him.” She crawls on the bed with me and sings Our Father as loud as she can!!!! “Noah, now my loud singing won’t hurt your ears!!”
She is amazing. Now, if we need to cry…we do, but we tell 3 funny “Bubba” stories after and that really happened in only the first week. She talks to him and asks him for help, laughs with him and talks about her day.
I also have to thank Pixar for BRAVE. She is obsessed. This is now what I wake up to almost everyday… “I am Merida, first born descendant of Clan DunBroch, and I’ll be shooting for my own hand!!” Her birth order has changed and she is taking on the role fearlessly!
She has also told me about her dream. It was a Jedi ceremony. “Mom, Qui-Gon passed a light saber to Obiwan. Obiwan passed it to Anakin…he passed it to Noah, then Noah passed it to me!!!! I’m taking Noah’s place!! He trained me and now I’m the Jedi!
She was amazing in both theater classes, had a ball at VBS and is now at SeaWorld camp. “Mom, I touched a penguin!!” On top of it all, yesterday, the 4th of July, was Lu’s Birthday! She turned 5. (With all she has been through…going on 15!)
My BRAVE baby girl…We are so proud of you and Bubba is so, so proud you too!!!!